That's intense
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
