The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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