I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
