normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
not ubering you a puppy
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