how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
