our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
