Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
