i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
