My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I am spending my child support on dildos
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My bed smells like the plague
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
