could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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