There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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