she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
