I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
