Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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