My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
