I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
