We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
