I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
