How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
