my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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