And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
