do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
