Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
