This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Randomize
