There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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