so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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