i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
