I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
