Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
