Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
you never un-have a 4some
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
