You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize