I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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