youre lurking in front of me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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