i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
