She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
