He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
