Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
