a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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