Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
where are you?
Hypothermia
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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