You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
