I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
