M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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