Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
