hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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