i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
