I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
