I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
