Her vagina should come with caution tape.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
