i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
