I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
