my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize