I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
