You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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