i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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