What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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