In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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