She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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