i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We are two peas in an std pod
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
