Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
