This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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