Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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