My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
